E-motion sickness of chronic illness
a theme park closes
desolate
forgotten
a roller coaster continues
repetitiously
monotonously
rescue eludes me
with worry
i wait
he sits beside me
his love enwraps me
i am reminded i believe
as my journey continues
i still believe
tho more often
i forget
...to a reader these words may have seemed a gibberish scribble and maybe they are... i will be the first to admit i am not a writer by any studied standard... i merely translate my thoughts to paper or page... they come to you from a place inside me i myself have no understanding of... at times it fascinates me, other times it comforts me and yet sometimes it frustrates me, toys with me ...it's too much too fast,it's too little too slow, it time travels to it's liking... to any moment of my memory or to dreams left unfulfilled... thoughts,emotions and words playing cat and mouse... where i am always the mouse... i must find them and place them on the page, anchor them before they get bored with their own game and escape my mind as invisible words on seemingly blank pages. for when anchored they start to flow thru me with such ease surely they must come from somewhere else, for how could i possibly know,think or feel all of these things...
so now to you i say... as i looked around twitter, reading so many others
frustrations, anger, loneliness, loss, hopelessness and worry with their own long term chronic illness (or other life situation really) i could not simply sit by and do nothing. i closed my eyes and searched for words to paint these emotions into the best picture i could at the time. tho it's far from perfect i hoped i could convey an image of understanding that could give even just one person a sign saying you are not alone in this, you have the right to feel every emotion implanted into you by your illness and by those who do not understand. i wanted them to know their words were being heard, understood, validated and shared without judgement, without question...
when we are ready
we all have a right
to enter the deepest darkest depths of ourselves
to find all of our grief
all of our sorrow
all of our emotional pain
to bring it out into the open
look it in the eye
analyze it
hate it
beat it to dust
or whatever else it takes us to know it
to understand it
and to accept it for what it is
for until we accept it as part of us
and not as all of us
until we define it
instead of letting it define us
until we work through it
rather than go around it
we will will forever be on a 24 hour a day 7 day a week E-motion sickness roller coaster ride leaving us desolate forgotten constantly repetitiously monotonously crying filled with worry waiting never doing
never knowing he sits beside us,we will not believe
for as our journey continues we will forget all but our own suffering
but we all have a choice
it's not easy
it takes time
it takes hard work
but we all have a choice
learn to ask for help when you need it
choose the right help
learn to talk yourself down off of the roller coaster
remember to breathe when fear holds your breath
float if you feel you are drowning
bring yourself back one piece at a time,timing and balance are key...
whether we are talking illness, relationship, food, everything...
...remember the guys spinning the plates on the poles, the more plates you are spinning the easier it is to lose balance... a plate falls,it brakes
with illness you have to learn when to lay your plates down
i don't mean giving up, i'm talking about knowing your limits
laying your plates down so when you are ready
you can spin them again or you can choose to set the table with them
